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The Tell Me A Joke Thread

Mastermind

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Anybody know any good jokes?

He's one Majorpayne sent me the other day......

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ✖✖✖✖ on your lap."
 

Barneyrb

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Get Well Soon SS.........

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn. Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .> WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.



IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.s... My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
 

Barneyrb

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Dang SS, Did the Tazer not teach you a thing?

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fense. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp
bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I
notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was
better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.
 

Barneyrb

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Oh hell I haven't laughed like that in AWHILE lol

I almost pee'd and pooped myself reading those.:lmfao:

While not exactly a joke I laugh each time I read them, the cat one is the best to me.........And no, neither one was me, now poor ole SS on the other hand. I think we know now why he ain't right......
 

procarbine2k1

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How can you tell when an amish girl is on her period?





















If she is only wearing one sock.

Sorry, only clean joke I know.
 

procarbine2k1

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late
and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, and we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothing like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 

Mastermind

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An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"
 

Barneyrb

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
 

Fifelaker

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Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said, "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour).

About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

The second salesmen left for the barn.

About an hour later a woman got stuck in the mud also, and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

The woman said "I can take care of myself" and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you.?

The woman replied "I give up on men. The first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks."
 
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